FAQ:Why democracy causes autism(and what YOU can do about it!)

July 2, 2010

I recently had the opportunity to have a conversation with a woman who vehemently believes that MMR vaccines cause autism. The conversation went something like this:

Me:But other than “Jenny McCarthy said it”, what scientific evidence actually backs this up?

(Woman spends five minutes using the terms “genetic susceptibility”, “mitochondrial DNA”, “gaussian distribution”, “corporate conspiracy”, and “bioaccumulation”, although not in a way that conforms to accepted standards of science, medicine, or sentence structure)

Me:But, is there any evidence that that actually…happens?

Woman:NEW WORLD ORDER!ILLUMINATUS!CORPORATE SHILL!

I decided to end the conversation at this point, but I was still fascinated with the idea. After all, these people had managed to produce an entire scientific theory without the support of a single experiment. They had literally redefined the scientific method.

Never one to miss a good paradigm shift, I quickly began thinking about this. Then, I came to the conclusion:

The increase in autism rates is caused by an increase in the amount of democracy.

Simply put, the start of the autism epidemic correlated with the fall of the Soviet Union. Democracy around the world has been increasing ever since, and so has autism.Coincidence? I don’t think so. If you’re still in doubt, look at the chart:

As you can see, there is an almost perfect causative relationship.

In light of these new findings, I’ve also compiled a brief FAQ for parents, caregivers, and other, with information you need to know

Q.How does democracy affect a child?

A.While it’s unclear, we believe that a small minority of children have genetic mitochondrial defects that prevent their bodies from properly metabolizing democracy. Democracy, unable to be eliminated from the body, collects in the brain, where it causes overgrowth of some nerve networks as well as increased susceptibility to the Candida fungus and increased immune inflammation in the brain. These factors are thought to create damage, resulting in  autism

Q.Could democracy interact with the MMR vaccination?

A.No. Children are always forced to have an MMR, regardless of their individual circumstances, religion, or other factors. Doctors who serve the heartless monster known as “public health” have, in fact, been known to hire hit men to deliver MMR shots to young children after their parents flee the city in fear. This process, controlled by a conspiracy of megapharmaceutical companies, is inherently undemocratic and introduces no additional democracy into the bloodstream

Q.But what about autism in countries where there is no democracy? How does your theory explain that?

A.The causes of autism are extremely complex. In addition to the genetic trigger component, other environmental factors could be at play. Some studies have shown that extreme cold, extreme heat, extremely median temperatures, Bon Jovi, volatile organic compounds found in the skins of imported South Asian tree frogs, and UV radiation could increase risk. But it’s mostly democracy. Just trust us.

Q.So can we reduce our children’s exposure to democracy?

A.Absolutley! Historical records, after all, show that in the past humankind has achieved periods with practically no democracy. The “Enslave Our Population” campaign is right now working on a program of lobbying and advising businesses and homeowners, with the goal of reducing democracy to 1500 AD levels by 2040. They are currently looking for a scientific advisor, and washed-out playboy models desperate for publicity are encouraged to apply.

Q.But is there anything we can do for children already suffering from democracy poisoning?

A.While a complete cure is not available, a number of therapies have been designed to reduce the amount of democracy in a child’s body. Since democracy tends to concentrate in the brain tissue, removal is difficult. However, a promising new technique, called chelation, can be effective at removing much of the accumulated democracy. In chelation, the child’s blood is temporarily removed by a machine and replaced with Soviet-era vodka, which binds to and neutralizes democracy. The treatment must be repeated fairly frequently to be effective, but it is painless and safe, especially with newer 3rd-generation procedures which have a kidney failure rate of less than 85%.

Another option is known as Applied Behavioral Analysis, which seeks to remove democracy from the brain using a behavioral approach. Other variants of ABA have already been shown to be highly effective for treating autism.The type of ABA used to reduce democracy(referred to as ABA-S) is currently undergoing testing, but the early results are very promising.

ABA-S clinical trial

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One Response to “FAQ:Why democracy causes autism(and what YOU can do about it!)”

  1. Anonymous said

    Autism spectrum disorders (ASD) often can be reliably detected by age 3. In some cases even earlier than that. Recent studies suggest that kids may eventually be accurately diagnosed by the age of 1 year or even younger. One thing for certain is that if your child shows any of the early warning signs of autism then they should be evaluated by a professional who specializes in autism disorders. Visit my site to learn more about autism signs and symptoms

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